Adventures of the Swordsmen!
by Addicted to Addiction
Summary: Join Link, Roy, and Marth as they do some of the craziest crap you'll ever see! First fic, R&R please!
1. Pilot Episode

The Adventures Roy, Marth, Link.

By: Addicted to Addiction

Assassin: My first fic. I am new to this Fan Fiction thing so any constructive criticism would be great. Also If you like this pilot I will continue to make new shows. As for now, I must do some sort of disclaimer...Marth, disclaim.

Marth: Do what?

Assassin: I don't know...let's go throw up!

Marth: Ok!

Roy: Assassin owns nothing, cept...well ok, nothing.

* * *

Camera opens to Marth sitting on the couch reading Seventeen Magazine, Roy is spying on him from down the hall.

"Hey Marth I have a question for you and please don't get offended. Okay?" Said Roy

"Sure Roy go ahead, anything to help clear your crazy little mind for any clarity what so ever I'll do." Said Marth.

"Are you really a girl hiding under a male body that got a sex change and had a surgery to take off your breasts and replaced them with manly ones and had to take on a whole new life style?" Roy said insanely fast causing Marth to stare at him blankly.

"Roy…yes!" said Marth, Roy stood there for a second gasping for air and muttering almost unconsciously. "Oh course not Roy I am a man. You're an idiot Roy that hurts; I bust my back all the time to keep a roof over your sick, perverted, pyromaniac and psychotic ass and this is what I get?" Said an upset Marth who then buried his head into the magazine, he was so angry at Roy and yet he lets him stay in his house includes him in everything and Roy takes advantage of him.

"Hey Marth I am sorry, I'll make it up to you, wanna go throw up?" said a truly sorry Roy.

"Let's do it!" said Marth jumping up from the couch running toward the bathroom.

Camera cuts to Link walking up to Marth and Roy's place, and just lets himself in like it was his house.

"Guys where are you?" Link called out loud, as he walks into the kitchen hears disturbing sounds coming from down the hall. "What the hell was that? Oh crap their doing it without me, I told them to wait." Said Link running down the hall frantically, then he sees the bathroom door and slowly opens it. "Why aren't you waiting for me, I love to throw up too!" said Link sticking his finger down his throat.

(A few seconds later)

Camera cuts to the three of them sitting on the couch flipping through the channels, a very quiet setting, until Roy broke the silence.

"Marth put it back on the Terminator, I love that movie." Roy asked politely.

"I don't think so Roy, not after what happened last time we watched Terminator. Remember?" Said Marth.

(Camera cuts to a flash back of all three of them sitting on the couch watching the Terminator)

"Hey, is Arnold Schwarzenegger gay?" asked a curious Roy.

"No, I think he is a transsexual or something?" said Link.

"No, no he's British or Iraqi?" said Marth. Roy gasped and look around nervously.

"Do you know what that means Arnold is a…TERRORIST!" said Roy. Suddenly The Terminator jumps through the wall with two machine guns in his hand.

"Which one of you is Roy?" asked the Terminator aiming his gun at them.

"That's Roy over there" said Roy pointing to the T.V.

"Oh thanks." Said the Terminator, and with that he turned toward the television and shot it repeatedly until he was completely out of ammo. "I must get to the chopper now!" said The Terminator.

(Camera cuts back to them sitting at the couch)

"Ugh! Don't remind me." Said Roy, "I have finally come up with a plot for this pilot, let's find us a bigger apartment with an extra room so Link can move in with us." Finished Roy.

"Well that's a great idea, which would give Link the opportunity to get a job and mature a little." Marth commented, "But its Link's decision Roy, **_he _**has to decide." Finished Marth.

"You guys that's all I ever wanted was to always be with you, all the time" Said Link in a thankful emotional way. Suddenly Arnold Schwarzenegger jumps through the window and just lies on the ground motionless.

"Holy crap, it's a…Jehovah's Witness, get the bats!" Said Roy jumping up and running down the hall. "Help us Jesus, help!" screamed Roy.

(Camera cuts to Jesus)

"Yeah I'd bet you want my help, huh Roy. You want Jesus to save you from a Jehovah, well you know what, I am wasted right now so ha!" Said Jesus holding a bottle of Daniels Jack Whiskey. "Now where was I? Oh that's right I was just about to faint." Said Jesus as he fainted onto the floor.

(Camera cuts back to Marth and Link standing over Arnold)

"Is he dead? Should I poke him with something?" asked Link.

"He's dead Link, call an ambulance." Said Marth, when suddenly Arnold sat up and looked around.

"Ugh, that hurt but thankfully those glass shards didn't kill me, I have you to tha…" Said Arnold but unfortunately he was cut off by Roy who came back down the hall way with bat in hand and whacked him in the back of his head.

"That should do it." Said a relived Roy.

"What the hell has gotten into Roy, why did you do that?" Said Marth. Then Arnold got up again and before he could do, or say anything Roy yelled aloud.

"Its okay Link and Marth I knew this was one tough Jehovah so I over prepared!" Exclaimed Roy as he pulled out a revolver.

"Wait, no Roy! DON'T" said Arnold, but it was too late for him because Roy emptied all six shots into Arnold's chest.

"Roy have you gone completely insane?" said Marth, but Arnold wasn't dead and again he tried to stand up but Roy was already one step ahead.

"Oh my god this is a really tough Jehovah, luckily I got this a last occurrence." Said Roy holding up chainsaw.

(Camera cuts to Marth, Roy and Link in the car driving home from the hospital)

"Roy, you are so freaken lucky that Mr. Arnold isn't dead, and didn't press any charges because we would never see you again. They would put you in prison for attempted murder for life. Dammit Roy you need to settle down and grow up Roy, you're too old to be acting like that." Said Marth as he lectured Roy firmly, "Now listen Roy we're going to look at these apartments up here so the three of us can become roommates, **_don't screw this up or I will literally kill you! _**That goes for you too Link. We need this, lets go.

(Camera cuts to the three talking with the salesperson)

"Well you three have good credit, no crime record except for this Roy guy, is one of you Roy?" Asked the tuxedo wearing salesman.

I am Ro…I mean not Roy. You see this "Roy" um…I don't know died or turned into a walking penis which ever is more believable." Said Roy trying to play it cool to impress Marth, but Marth looked over at Roy and mouthed the words "I am going to kill you' silently.

"A walking penis you say? Hm…okay and you guys are all brothers or what are ya friends. Because I have rules not to let three homosexual men to live in my complex, so cut the crap." Said the salesperson.

"Now you listen to me you prejudice jerk off we are not gay, we're roommates and friends and even if we were gay why the hell would that matter to you racist people. Its things like this that makes America look bad, that is discrimination and morally wrong to say to someone, gay people need somewhere to live to you ass." said Marth proudly then again he spoke, "You know a lot of crazy things have been done in this show but it's only a show, it helps people forget about all the crap that is going wrong in America and if people really are that way about gays then America is a horrible place to live. And besides if there is really a god up in heaven, what kind of god would not accept people into heaven because of his or her sexual preference? Even if you don't give us this apartment, I don't give a damn because I am not sure if this place would be a place that I would feel comfortable living in." Finished Marth who was a little irate at this mans incredibly stupid and hateful talk.

The salesperson sat there for a minute and appeared to be in a deep thought and really took in to what Marth had just lectured him on. Then he spoke.

"Young man, you are exactly right, not only can you buy this apartment I'll give you the first six months free of charge. Please forgive me for my vulgar attitude earlier I didn't see it your way." Said the salesperson

"Your apology is accepted sir; remember earlier when we said we would like to privately think it over?" Said Link.

'Yeah I remember." Said the salesman.

"We actually used that time by sneaking into you're bathroom and threw up repeatedly."

(Camera cuts to the three in their new apartment watching the Terminator yet again.)

"Hey Link, come with me into the kitchen I have to tell you something." Said Marth, and with that the two left Roy in the living room and walked to the kitchen.

"What do ya want Marth, my favorite part is on" said Link.

"Listen I invited Arnold to dinner because of the other day and well I am worried about Roy." Said Marth who was then cut off by the door bell. "Oh crap."

"I'll get it" said Roy from the other room. Marth and Link listened as the door opened and all they heard was silence until. "AHHHHH! It's you again somebody help me!" screamed Roy.

"No wait please Roy it's me, Arnold Schwarzenegger." Said Arnold. To which Roy replied.

"Who the hell is Arnold Schwarzenegger? Your leader!" Roy finished as he pulled his chainsaw out.

"Screw this man I am gone!" said Arnold turning around and ran down the street.

"Don't worry you two, I knew he would come back; so I put land mines out side in the grass." Said Roy with that Marth turned to Link with a flabbergasted look on his face, and then they heard the sound of a massive explosion then silence.

"Roy lets go throw up" said Link.

Sorry if any part of this story offended you, it was all just a for fun and laughs also to impress hyperpersonwhohasnofuture. Review and if you'd like I will continue to make new shows.


	2. The Swordsmen Fall In Love

Episode 1 of the Adventures of the Swordsman

The Sowrdsman fall in love.

By: Addicted to Addiction

Assassin: You know the routine Roy.

Roy: I do?

Assassin: Yes, now disclaim.

Roy: uh...

Assassin: ...Why did I hire you? (disclaims himself) I own nothing...cept myself...and this pie. (holds up a pie)

Roy: ME WANT!

* * *

Camera opens to Roy standing outside of Samus'es door trying to muster up enough courage to ask Samus out for a date and obviously his girlfriend.

"Dammit Roy, get it together. You've known Samus for a long, and of course the time I kidnapped her dog and returned it to her just to sleep with her as a reward." Roy said aloud to him, "I am just going to have to do this and get it over with." Roy knocked on the door and waited. Nothing, silence and by that point worry filled up Roy, when suddenly the door swung open, revealing Samus.

"Holy crap Roy, what brings you here?"

"Um…l-l-isten, I was w-w-wondering if you'd like to…"

"Let me guess Roy, go out with you and you totally sweep me off of my feet and eventually ending up as your wife and have three little Roy's running around?"

"Holy Sh…"

"Sure, I'd love to"

"You do? Holy sh…"

"Where will we be going? To a movie theater and sit in the very back and make out and you feel my ti…"

"Holy sh…"

"To the movies!"

Camera flashes back 20 minutes before Roy went to Samus to ask her to a date, the scene is Roy getting advice from Marth and Link.

"Roy, if she says 'yes', when you are at the movies be sure to let her know that you know she is there by putting your arms around her. It makes them feel good and also shows that you're not afraid to show affection in public." Said Marth.

"Yeah, if you make her feel really good, you might get some action later on." Said Link in a sick and twisted kind of way.

"Link shut the hell up, you're not helping him. Besides why do we feel the need to have…" Marth started but Link rudely interrupted.

"Marth, please save the patriotic speech for later on in the show, I have a really bad headache and don't feel like listening. I am sorry for saying that." Said Link.

"Okay Link fair enough. Anyway be sure to compliment her on how good she looks…" Marth again started but Link interrupted again.

"Uh…Marth, she's wearing a metal suit, how can he compliment her, **_Oh hey Samus nice metal suit you got on their, is it new, different color? To bad I can't possibly see what you really LOOK LIKE!_**" said Link, then suddenly Link was whacked on the head by Marth's front of his sword which sent Link to the ground. "Ouch, what the hell was that for Marth?" Finished Link.

"As I was saying before compliment her, even though I do agree with Link on that one. Then take her to dinner and let her order **_whatever _**she wants" Said Marth.

"Even if it's really expensive. Remember, your goal is to get laid." Said Link.

"Link you say anything like that again, I am going to kick your ass!" Said an angry Marth.

"Again Marth, I apologize." Said Link.

"Okay Roy, do ya got that?" asked Marth.

"Holy sh…" Roy started to say but was cut off by Marth.

"Good, now get the hell out of here and have a good time." Said Marth.

Flashback ends and camera cuts to Roy and Samus at dinner, when suddenly Marth's voice rings in Roy's ears.

( "Remember Roy, compliment her to make her feel special.")

Samus, nice…"Roy started to say but was cut off by the waiter.

"Breasts, chicken breast for the lady."

"I am sorry Roy, what did you say?" asked Samus.

"Erhm…um…you looking really good tonight, I like what you've done to you're…" Roy was again cut off.

"Ass of cow for you sir." Said the waiter.

"Roy, hold on honey I'll make it so you don't get cut off again." Said Samus charging her gun, "Oh waiter, could you come here for a second?" asked Samus in a seducing voice.

"Yes ma'am?" asked the waiter.

"Yeah could you help me with this?" asked Samus, the waiter looked at her funny and Samus let her gun go off vaporizing the waiter. "I am sorry Roy what?" Samus finished.

"Hair, I like what you've done with your hair. Heh, hair." Said Roy.

"Aw, thanks Roy, you're so sweet" Samus commented.

"T-t-thanks Samus, are you enjoying your breast?" asked Roy.

'What!" asked Samus.

"Chicken breasts, are you enjoying you're chicken breasts, that's what I meant, not your boobs." Said Roy smoothly trying to cover up his mistake. Samus started laugh and then spoke.

"Oh, sorry Roy, I could've sworn you were talking about my ti…" Samus started to say.

"Holy sh…" Roy again started to say but was cut off.

"They're really good Roy thanks for asking me."

"Would you like to try some of my ass?"

"Excuse me, what!"

"Of cow, my steak, you wanna bite?"

Oh no thanks Roy, I'll only go so far as to eat my breasts."

"Holy Sh-…"

Camera cuts off Roy and goes back to Marth and Link sitting on the couch.

"Link listen, for just a minute. I know you've yet to go out with someone, because of the fact that you're immature, rude, loud, and stupid, no offense. But I ran into Peach at the store today as I was buying condo...ments for me and Zelda's love retreat next week. Anyway I asked her to go out with you Wednesday night."

"Did you really Marth? That's so sweet of you but I don't know about this." Said Marth

"Oh, Link, don't be such a moron. Being that it's Sunday it gives us two whole days to get you ready for the date." Said Marth

'Starting tomorrow, you say, what's your plan Marth?" Asked Link.

"You'll see tomorrow, it's a really good surprise." Said Marth.

"Uh oh this isn't another one of those schemes to help get rid of my fear of seals is it?"

Flashback, camera cuts to the three swordsmen at Seal World.

"Link, you wanna get your picture taken with Fatty McSeal?" asked Marth.

"What? Did you say Fatty McSeal? I LOVE FATTY MCSEAL!" said a very excited Link.

"Okay go stand right next to him and smile really big like you've been practicing for, well, ALL YOUR LIFE!" said Marth. "You too Roy, for old times sake."

"No, please Marth, DON'T MAKE ME DO IT! NOO!" said Roy.

"I'll give you 20 bucks" said Marth.

"20 !#& bucks…well hello Fatty, I love you." Said Roy.

"Aw crap this damn camera has so many damn functions." Said Marth.

"Hurry up, I gotta go peepee" said Link.

"Ah, I got ya you little bastard." Said Marth, as the camera flashed the seal let out a horrific scream and exploded, thus beginning Links phobia of seals.

Flashback ends and camera cuts back to the two.

"Or that scheme to get me to go on the Dr. Phil show." Said Link.

Flashback begins and scene opens up at the Dr. Phil show.

"Link, you've got to stop living in fear, and face this. You've got to get excited with your life. This is a childish fear to have, you have two friends that love you Link, you need some help and I am going to arrange that." Said Dr. Phil.

"Thank you sir, since you gave us a gift, so did we. Marth, Roy and I all pitched in and made a pubic hair wig for you, to cover up that bald ugly head of yours. No thanks are necessary Doc. So can I have that free trip to conquer my fears now or what?" Said Link, Dr. Phil just sat there for a minute gasping for air and cursing the three swordsman.

"You son-of-a-(beep) and bastards, I am going to lay the Smackdown on your candy…" Dr. Phil started to say.

"Whoa, whoa Doc, take it easy man, you haven't seen what we've done to your wife yet, I gotta tell you she is incredible." Said Roy and Link.

"You mother(beep)" Dr. Phil started.

Flashback ends and cuts back to the two.

"Man Link, I could go for a root beer, you?" Asked Marth.

"Sure man, thanks." Link took a big long gulp of his drink and gave Marth a look like he was going to explode. "Oh crap Marth, I just remembered something." Said Link in a sympathetic voice.

"What the hell did you do? Oh god Link you didn't do anything to screw up Roy's date did you." Said Marth in an uprising tone.

"I put Z-lax in his Pepsi." Said Link

"What the hell is Z-lax? And why did you put it in Roy's Pepsi?" Said Marth.

"It's like Viagra only worse, much, much worse. 50 times worse." Said Link.

"Link…oh my god what have you done. Ha ha good job Link, Alright man that's a major burn man." Said Marth.

Camera cuts to Samus and Roy.

"But anyway Roy I just decided to not let it go up there because it would have made me really excited and exploded me. It really turned me on." Said Samus.

"Um…what's 'there' Samus." Asked Roy, the Z-lax was starting to kick in on Roy and he sat there shaking. He could barely contain himself from jumping at Samus and making mad crazy love with her in the middle of restaurant.

"My toilet, what did you think I was talking about, what's wrong Roy, you can tell me. I'll understand." Said Samus.

"Um…well…I don't know." Said a wildly shaking Roy.

"Oh c'mon Roy what's the matter, could I help you with it?" Said Samus gingerly.

"Yes and no, Link played a trick on me when we were in the middle of a prank war between us. Dammit I should never accepted that peace offer Pepsi." Said Roy.

"What did he spike it with Roy." Asked Samus.

" I think Z-lax, it's like Viagra but worse. And now I have a massive erection." Said Roy.

"Erection eh? WAITER CHECK PLEASE! I'll take you home Roy and I am going to fix you. I hope you've got some energy because your gonna need it." Said Samus.

"Really? This is the happiest day of my life…THANK YOU LINK." Screamed Roy.

Camera cuts to Samus and in Roy inside her room lying side by side.

"Oh man, Damn Samus that was fun playing strip checkers. Also the little activity afterwards." Said Roy.

"Sure was Roy, you really are good for a first timer at strip checkers. You beat me hard in that game." Said Samus.

Camera cuts to DK walking down the hallway and stops to listen to their conversation.

"Not as hard as you beat me, it was so intense, especially when you kept saying 'king me'. I thought I was going to explode." Said Roy. Donkey Kong listened in for several more minutes, until he had to run to the bathroom to puke because of some of the details he heard.

"Samus, you know I really do like you and was wondering if you'd honor me by you being my girlfriend?" Asked Roy.

"Of course I would, why the hell do you think I slept with you?" said Samus.

"So we can go on more dates and do it all we want?" asked Roy.

"Yep, pretty much." Said Samus.

The camera cuts to the first day of Links date training, Link is sitting in a chair and Roy and Marth are standing over him, a single ray of light shines on Link.

"LINK!" Screamed Marth.

"What Marth sir!" Link replied.

"DO YOU WANT THIS GIRL?" asked Marth.

"Yes sir!" Link retorted.

"DO YOU WANNA GET HER DRUNK AND HAVE YOUR WAY WITH HER!" Roy butted in.

"Roy, you're not helping, let me do the talking." Marth asked sincerely.

"Oops, sorry Marth." Roy apologized.

"Hey Marth, I like Roy's idea." Link said rudely.

"Link, my friend…SHUT THE HELL UP!" Marth roared.

"Listen Marth and Roy, I don't want to be taught to be a good date, I don't have the will power. I'll just forget it tomorrow! How about this, you put an ear piece in my ear and put a camera behind my ear. After you do that you'll be able to see my date on the television once you've installed the proper cables. Then you can tell me what to do, say, and whatever comes to mind. This way we don't waste time and I won't screw up, c'mon guys its failsafe." Link suggested.

"You know Marth, that's an actual good idea that has come out of Links mouth in forever. Let's face it Marth, Link is a moron and will probably screw it up even with the training. Why not do that and be done with it, we'll be able to see his every move, he won't screw this one up." Roy added.

"Okay, but I am a little skeptical about this, but if it will improve Link's chances then so be it." Marth agreed.

"You know what, this is a time to celebrate. I have an idea; go throw up and then order a pizza. Whaddaya say? It'll be really fun." Link suggested. Marth and Roy both nodded simultaneously and ran off toward the bathroom.

Camera cuts to Marth and Roy who are telling Link what to say as they just arrive at the Restaurant.

"Okay Link, ask her if she had fun at the movies." Said Roy.

"Oh crap Roy, the ear piece is gone static, he might not be able to hear." Said Marth from the computer.

"C'mon Link ask her if she had fun at the movies."

'He got it but it's coming in statically."

Camera cuts to Link and Peach.

"So Peach did you have fun with your boobies?" Asked Link smiling.

Camera cuts to Marth and Roy spitting up their Root Beers.

"What the hell did he just say?" asked Roy.

"Roy, when you talk to him you have to be really clear so he can hear more clearly." Marth explained.

"Okay Link, again movies not boobies, did you have fun at the movies." Roy clarified.

Camera cuts back to Link and Peach.

"What did you ask me Link?" Asked a confused Peach.

"Boobies not movies, did you have fun with your boobies." Link replied.

"Um…I guess so. Are you feeling well?" Asked Peach.

Camera cuts back to Marth and Roy.

"Dammit Roy, more clearly! He can barely hear you above all that static." Marth barked at Roy.

"Well, I am doing the best I frickin' can." Said Roy, but little did they know Link thought he heard Roy say 'touch her cans'. So link reached over there without saying a word and grabbed them. Marth saw this on the scream and panicked.

"Roy, IS THIS SOME KIND OF FRICKIN' JOKE! HE IS TOUCHING HER BREASTS RIGHT NOW…LOOK AT HIM! WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHE'S GOING TO GET HIM THROWN IN JAIL FOR SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!" Marth screamed distraughtly.

"LINK TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF HER SHIRT NOW, OR MARTH WILL KILL YOU!" Roy yelled into the microphone, but unfortunately for Link he heard differently. He heard Roy say 'Link put your hands down her shirt now or Marth will kill you' so that's what he did. Instead of just resting his hand in her shirt, he put his hand down her shirt and into her bra and continued to touch her well, dare I say "cans". Marth saw this and started shaking in a rage that no-one has ever seen Marth do before.

"ROY WHAT PART OF THE WORDS 'MORE CLEARLY' DON'T YOU FRICKIN' UNDERSTAND. HE HAS HIS HANDS DOWN HER SHIRT AND IN HER FRICKIN' BRA! ROY, I AM ABOUT TO PASS OUT NOW PLEASE DO SOMETHING QUICK BEFORE EVEN MORE HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE!" Marth said fumingly.

"MARTH STOP YELLING AT ME OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS! I AM IN AS MUCH STRESS AS YOU!" Roy fired right back.

Camera cuts back to Link and Peach, the scene is Link still with his hand down her shirt.

"Uh…Link, can you take that out of there. This is for after dinner you silly little boy. I am having a marvelous time aren't you? You're so different." Peach said while starting to laugh. Finally the meal came and they ate it fast while Peach told Link about the whole Mario break up scene when she spoke.

"Link do you wanna go now? Its getting late." Asked Peach.

Camera cuts back to Marth and Roy.

"Marth, what should I tell him now?" said Roy in a much calmer way.

"Tell him to ask her where she would like to go next, remember, clearly." Marth also said in a much less state of angry.

"Okay Link, ask her where she would like to go next." Said Roy talking into the microphone.

Camera cuts back to Link and Peach.

Link sat there and listened to Roy's message but heard a different sentence. What he heard was Link, ask her where she would like to have sex.

"Hey uh Peach since we're done with dinner I was wondering. Where would you like to have sex? My place or your place?" asked Link.

"Well, uh we could go to my place and do it." Peach replied.

"Okay, lets blow this pop sickle stand." Link said and with that the two jumped up and headed toward the Smash Mansion holding hands.

Camera cuts back to Marth and Roy, the scene is the two sitting there with absolute shock on their faces until Roy breaks the silence.

"Heh, hey Marth you wanna watch then do it." Roy asked with a huge grin on his face.

"Oh hell no, Roy turn of the TV now, Roy I am not playing with you. Dammit ROY GIVE ME THE REMOTE!" Marth screamed and with that the camera blacks out slowly.

Hope ya liked it! If you R&R I'll continue making shows. Thanks for reading!


End file.
